The Unhealthy Habit That Nearly Cost Me Everything

I thought I was doing it right. I spent years believing I had cracked the code—family, ministry, life—balanced like a pro. I wasn’t one of those pastors who neglected their home. I broke the rules when I needed to. I took my wife out, showed up for my kids, made time for rest.

Or so I thought.

Until one night, my wife, calm and serious, hit me with six words that shattered my illusion:

"You love them more than us."

It wasn’t an attack. It was a wake-up call.

And I didn’t want to admit it, but she was right.

I had spent years convincing myself that I was making sacrifices for my family. But in reality, I was sacrificing them for ministry. I was physically present at times, but mentally? I was miles away—distracted, preoccupied, running through sermon outlines in my head when I should have been focused on my wife and kids.

I crammed my sons’ events into my life like they were just another appointment on my schedule. And sometimes, I missed them altogether—telling myself, of course, they’ll understand. But that’s not how it works. They understood, all right. They understood that Dad’s priority was church, not them.
 

Why Most Pastors Get This Backward

No one told us that building a ministry this way would cost us our families. But look around—

• How many burned-out pastors have thriving marriages?

• How many pastor’s kids resent the church?

• How many ministry families feel like their home is just another extension of the job?

We tell ourselves we’re doing this for them. That we’re building God’s kingdom, and they’ll be blessed because of it.

But if ministry is getting the best of us while our families scrape by on leftovers, we’re just passing down dysfunction. And dysfunction always reproduces itself.

What I Changed—And How It Changed Everything

I took my calendar and color-coded it:

• Orange for me—my health, hobbies, personal well-being.

• Green for my family—time with my wife, my kids, my home.

• Blue for relationships—friends, mentors, real-life connections.

• Yellow for church—sermon prep, meetings, ministry work.

And here’s the kicker—I scheduled everything BUT ministry first.

Once my health, marriage, kids, and relationships were locked in? Only then did I fill the gaps with church-related tasks.

That was the moment I stopped letting ministry dictate my life. I started dictating my ministry.

And guess what happened?

• My family got a healthier version of me.

• My church got a more present, sharper, and wiser leader.

• I trained and equipped people instead of trying to do it all myself.

• I finally experienced the abundant life Jesus promised.

And no one complained. Because when I was healthier, I served better.
 

Your Calendar Tells the Truth—Will You Listen?

Your schedule isn’t just a list of meetings and tasks. It’s a mirror reflecting what truly matters to you. And if you’re brave enough to look at it with honest eyes, you might not like what you see.

Every unplanned moment with your family? That’s space you’ve already given away. Every ignored date night? That’s a quiet signal to your spouse that ministry comes first. Every skipped workout, missed meal, or exhausted collapse at the end of the night? That’s proof that you’ve accepted burnout as normal.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

You can reclaim your life. You can rewrite the story before it’s too late. And it starts by making one simple but radical choice—to put your real priorities on the calendar before everything else.

Because if you don’t take control of your time, someone else will.

Pastor, it’s time for an honest moment.

Take a look at your calendar.

• Are you scheduling time with God, your family, and your own well-being first?

• Or is your church taking every available minute, leaving you with nothing?

If your life is crammed into ministry instead of ministry being part of your life, it’s only a matter of time before something breaks.

Because let’s be real:

• Your church can find another pastor.
• Your kids? They can’t replace their parent.
• Your spouse? They can’t replace you.

So here’s the challenge: This week, block off three non-negotiable times for your family and your own well-being—before anything else. Then see if the church collapses.

It won’t.

 And if you need help making it happen? Let’s talk. Because you don’t have to figure this out alone. ◼︎

Tim Eldred has spent over 35 years in pastoral ministry and coaches pastors and churches who are ready to move beyond merely surviving. He founded The Authentic Pastor to help ministry leaders find freedom from the pressures and systems that wear them down.