When Leadership Becomes Control

It wasn't the words that shook me. It was the weight behind them. A young pastor called me, voice heavy with something deeper than frustration. He wasn't angry. He was broken.

"I can't keep working under him," he said.

"Him" was his lead pastor. The man who'd hired him, promised to mentor him, championed his potential. But now? That same pastor was dictating his vacation days. Canceling his time off for "ministry needs." Demanding every sermon outline align with his exact phrasing. Shaming him for taking an evening with his kids.

This wasn't leadership. It was suffocation.

I listened, heart sinking, because I've heard this story before. But usually it's a pastor grieving a controlling elder board. Not a pastor… about another pastor.

It left me with a question that's hard to shake: When does a shepherd's strength become a stranglehold?

The Lie We've Started to Believe

Somewhere along the way, we've bought into a subtle lie: tight control equals strong leadership.

We dress it up in spiritual language. "Protecting the vision." "Safeguarding the culture." "Pursuing excellence." But what if those good intentions are building something we never meant to create? What if we're crafting systems where one voice—ours—drowns out everyone else's?

I see this pattern in churches across the country. We preach servant leadership, quote Jesus on washing feet, and lift up Ephesians 4 about equipping the saints. But too often, our actions look more like corporate management than pastoral care.

The worship team can't choose a single song without approval. Small group leaders get scripted curricula they're afraid to adapt. Staff meetings feel like audits, not collaboration.

We celebrate pastors who "keep everyone aligned," but behind the scenes, their teams are drowning—feeling like employees, not co-laborers.

It's not rebellion to want to breathe. It's human.

And it breaks my heart, because this usually starts with good intentions. A passion to protect the ministry. A fear of things falling apart. A deep love for doing things well. But left unchecked, those instincts can drift into something else—something that limits the very people we're called to empower.

The Mirror We Need to Face

I've been in rooms where this story unfolds. It often starts with success: a gifted leader, a compelling vision, a growing church. But then the shift happens. Oversight becomes overreach. Guidance turns into scripts.

And I've had to ask myself hard questions:

Am I building a team or just followers?
Do people show up because they're empowered or because they feel they have to?
Am I celebrating their ideas as much as my own?

Many years ago, I caught myself in this trap. I was gripping everything too tightly—sermon plans, ministry schedules, even the way small groups prayed. I thought I was protecting the mission. But one day, a trusted team member said, "I feel like I'm just executing your vision, not leading with mine."

That stung. And it woke me up.

I wasn't creating space for others to shine. I was directing, not shepherding.

So I started loosening my grip. I let a team member rewrite a ministry plan, even though it wasn't how I'd do it. I stopped mandating every detail of our outreach events. And yes, some things looked different. But something better happened: our team came alive. They weren't just following—they were leading.

Here's the question I keep coming back to: What if leadership isn't about getting everyone to do things my way, but helping them discover how God wants to use their gifts? What if we trusted our teams as much as we say we do?

A New Way Forward

Next week, I'm returning to my commitment to equip and trying something simple but hard. Instead of scheduling another review meeting, I'm asking someone on my team: "Do you feel like you have room to lead here? What's one thing holding you back?"

Then I'm going to listen—really listen—without defending or explaining. And I'm going to let go of one thing I've been controlling too tightly.

If you're reading this and it resonates—whether you're wondering about your own leadership or feeling constrained by someone else's—you're not alone. The tension between vision and freedom, excellence and empowerment, is real. And it's not something we figure out in isolation.

At The Authentic PAstor, we walk with leaders through these challenges. Some need help building healthier team cultures. Others want guidance on how to start honest conversations about what they're experiencing. Wherever you are, we'd love to help you take the next step.◼︎

You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

Here’s how we can walk with you:

→ Take the Free Ministry Survival Assessment
→ Join a 6-Month Cohort
→ Find a Certified TAP Coach
→ Schedule a Free 30-Minute Call
→ Bring TAP Consulting to Your Church 

Tim Eldred has spent over 35 years in pastoral ministry and coaches pastors and churches who are ready to move beyond merely surviving. He founded The Authentic Pastor to help ministry leaders find freedom from the pressures and systems that wear them down.