When Pastoring Comes Last (And Why It's Good)

Last week, I met with some seasoned pastors—leaders who’ve been in ministry for decades. These aren’t rookies; they’re veterans. We got real about the deeper issues of ministry, and one of them finally said it:

“My entire identity has been wrapped up in being a pastor. I’ve let it define me, and it’s hurting me.” 

I’ve been a pastor for 34 years, and I’ve had this conversation countless times with pastors from all over the world. So let me tell you the problem no one wants to admit or really discuss honestly: When your identity is tied to being a pastor, it’s only a matter of time before it wrecks your life.

I know that sounds harsh—but hear me out. Ministry is one of the few professions where we celebrate people for sacrificing their personal lives, health, marriages, families, and even souls in the name of serving God. And we don’t just celebrate it—we expect it—and even wear it like a badge of honor.

But here’s the wake-up call: That’s not biblical. It’s not healthy, And it’s not sustainable. 

Ministry Is a Gift, Not Your Identity 

Somewhere along the way, we were taught that being a pastor is the highest calling—it’s not. Your highest calling is to Christ. Pastoring is a gift—an assignment—a role you play in this season of your life.

When you flip those priorities, you lose yourself. You start believing your worth comes from your role, your identity is tied to the success of your church, and your title is who you are. That’s not just dangerous—it’s deadly.

Why It's a Ministry Killer

Here’s the problem: When being a pastor becomes your identity, it starts stealing from you.

• It steals your relationship with Christ. You spend more time preparing sermons than sitting with God. You work for Him but rarely rest in Him.
• It steals your family. You’re so busy being “Pastor” that your spouse and kids feel like they come second—if they come at all. We know it's true.
• It steals your health. You tell yourself you don’t have time to exercise, rest, or even go to the doctor. The grind feels holy, but it’s literally killing you.
• It steals your joy. You feel the pressure to always be “on,” to have all the answers, and never let people see your struggles. That's nonsense.

This is why pastors burn out. It’s why marriages in ministry crumble. It’s why some pastors wake up one day, look in the mirror, and realize they don’t even know who they are anymore. We see it all the time.

What's the Real Issue?

It’s pride.

I don’t say that to shame you—I say it because I’ve been there. When we let our identity get wrapped up in our role, it’s because we want to feel important, valuable, or needed. But that’s a false security.

Karl Rahner said, “Whatever can be taken from you is never God.” If your identity is being a pastor, what happens when the church lets you go? What happens when attendance drops? Or when you retire?

You can’t build your life on something that fragile. You were never meant to. 

How to Get Back on Track

The best life you can live is the one where pastoring comes second. When you put Christ first, yourself second, and your family next, everything else falls into place. Ministry flows out of a healthy soul, not the other way around.

Here’s how to start:

1.  Refocus Your Identity: Remind yourself daily that you are a child of God first. Your worth doesn’t depend on the size of your church, your title, or what people think of you.
2. Protect Your Family: Ask your spouse and kids where they feel neglected. Listen—then make changes. Don’t just promise to do better—show them. Adjust your calendar.
3. Prioritize Your Health: Start small: a daily 20-minute walk, a meal plan, or one day off every week to rest. If you’re not healthy, you can’t lead well. And that truth can't be ignored.
4. Get Honest with God: Tell Him where you’ve let ministry take His place in your heart. Confess the pride, fear, and insecurity. Ask Him to show you how to trust Him with your identity.

This is Hard Work

If this feels like a punch in the face, good. It’s supposed to. This is the conversation we don’t have often enough. But the good news is that there’s freedom on the other side.

Last week, I saw a group of seasoned pastors finally admit this was a real issue for them. And you know what? They didn’t walk away discouraged—they left hopeful. They realized they could let go of the pressure, the pride, and the false security, and they could start living in the freedom Christ offers.

Take the First Step

To help you process this, I’ve created a free tool: “The Ministry Identity Worksheet.” It’s not complicated, but it will challenge you to reflect on what’s driving your identity and how to realign your priorities.

Download the Ministry Identity Worksheet

The best life you can live is the one where Christ comes first, yourself second, your family third, and ministry comes last. That’s not neglecting your calling—it’s putting it in the right place. When you lead from a healthy soul and a strong foundation, ministry becomes an overflow, not an exhausting burden.

Putting ministry last might feel counterintuitive, but it’s the key to living and leading with freedom, joy, and purpose. It’s time to let go of what’s fragile and start building your life on what lasts. Let’s begin.◼︎

 If you're ready for something better than you expected, our team of veteran pastors can help you take control of your life and ministry. Schedule a free 30-minute discovery call to find out how. 

Tim Eldred has been serving in pastoral ministry for over three decades and has had the privilege of training and mentoring thousands of pastors in over 40 countries. He is the founder of The Authentic Pastor. Most importantly, he is a husband, father, and grandfather.