Why Pastors Hide—And How to Finally Stop

My friend David sent me a quote on Saturday morning because we’ve been having this conversation about pastors’ need to hide—people in general, really. It was from Tim Keller’s Jesus the King:

“We have a deep sense that we've got to hide our true self or at least control what people know about us. Secretly we feel that we aren't acceptable, that we have to prove to ourselves and other people that we're worthy, lovable, valuable.”

When I read it, I just sat there, coffee in hand, staring at my phone. It felt like Keller had reached into my chest, pulled out thirty-five years of ministry, and laid it on the table.

You know this feeling, don’t you? That quiet, gnawing sense that you’ve got to keep parts of yourself locked away. Maybe it’s the doubt you’re not spiritual enough for the pulpit. Maybe it’s the anger you stuff down because pastors aren’t supposed to snap. Or maybe it’s the exhaustion you mask with a smile because, well, who’s got time to hear about your struggles? You’re the one carrying everyone else’s.

This isn’t just a pastor thing—it’s a human thing. But for those of us in ministry, the stakes feel higher. The expectations are heavier. The spotlight’s brighter. So we hide. We polish the outside, control the narrative, and pray no one sees the cracks. And let me tell you, after decades of walking with pastors through this, I can say with certainty: hiding is killing us. 

Keller’s words sting because they’re true. You feel it in your gut—that secret belief you’re not enough. Not holy enough, not strong enough, not anything enough. And ministry? It’s like a pressure cooker for that insecurity. You’re expected to be a spiritual superhero, a marriage counselor, a CEO, and a janitor, all while keeping your own soul intact. So you learn early—control the image. Don’t let them see the real you. If they knew the doubts, the fears, the moments you question if you’re even called—would they still follow you?

I remember a young pastor I mentored years ago. Let’s call him Mark. He was gifted—preached like he’d been doing it for decades, led with vision, loved his people. But one night over burgers, he admitted he felt like a fraud. He was terrified his church would find out he struggled with anxiety. He’d lie awake at night, replaying sermons, convinced he’d said something stupid. He hid it all behind a Hollywood smile and a packed calendar. “Tim,” he said, “if I let them see the real me, I’m done.”

Mark’s story isn’t unique. You’ve felt that, haven’t you? The fear that if people saw the unfiltered you—the one who’s tired, frustrated, or just plain human—they’d reject you. So you keep the mask on. You perform. You prove. And it works… until it doesn’t. 

WHAT HIDING COSTS YOU

Hiding isn’t just a coping mechanism; it’s a slow poison. It’s one of the symptoms of what I call a Ministry Cancer™—a toxic system that spreads when we prioritize performance over authenticity. And it’s not just your ministry that suffers. It’s your soul. Your marriage. Your kids. Your health. Let me break it down.

First, hiding costs you emotionally. You’re carrying a weight no one sees, and it’s exhausting. Every time you swallow your real feelings to keep the peace, you’re adding bricks to a backpack you can’t put down. I’ve seen pastors burn out, not because of the work, but because they couldn’t bear the emotional toll of pretending anymore.

Spiritually, it’s even worse. When you hide, you’re not just hiding from people—you’re hiding from God. You start believing the lie that He loves the polished version of you, not the real one. Prayer becomes a performance. Worship feels hollow. You’re preaching grace but not receiving it. And deep down, you know it’s a sham.

Relationally, hiding builds walls. Your spouse sees you pulling away but doesn’t know why. Your kids get a parent who’s physically present but emotionally distant. Your friends—do you even have real ones anymore?—get a curated version of you. I’ve sat with too many pastors’ spouses who say, “I don’t know who they is anymore.” That’s what hiding does. It isolates you from the people who love you most.

And let’s talk about your body. Stress doesn’t just live in your head—it lives in your blood pressure, your sleepless nights, your clenched jaw. WholeCare™, our framework for holistic health, starts with this truth: you can’t separate your emotional, spiritual, and physical health. When you hide, you’re not just hurting your heart; you’re hurting your whole self.

For thirty-five years, I’ve been naming this problem and helping pastors find a way out. It’s why I created The Shift™—a process to move from performance-based ministry to a life of authenticity and freedom. It’s not a quick fix. It’s not a five-step plan. It’s a reorientation of your entire way of being.

The Shift™ starts with admitting you’re hiding. Not to a room full of people, but to yourself. Sit down, grab a journal, and write it out: What am I afraid to let people see? Maybe it’s your doubt. Your anger. Your loneliness. Whatever it is, name it. That’s where healing begins.

Next, you’ve got to reframe your worth. Keller’s quote nails it—we hide because we think we’re not acceptable. But listen: your value isn’t in your sermons, your attendance numbers, or your ability to keep everyone happy. Your value is in who you are—a child of God, loved not for what you do but for who you are. I’ve been pouring this truth into a new book, The Shift™, coming later this year, to help pastors like you break free from performance and live authentically. WholeCare™ Stage 4 is all about authenticity, about living from that truth. It’s not easy, but it’s freedom.

Then, you take small steps to show up real. Tell your spouse one thing you’ve been holding back. Share a struggle with a trusted friend. Preach a sermon that’s honest about your humanity. I remember the first time I admitted from the pulpit that I’d wrestled with depression. I thought the room would go silent. Instead, people came up afterward, tears in their eyes, saying, “Thank you for saying it. I thought I was the only one.”

THE WAY OUT OF THE SHADOWS

Hiding doesn’t just hurt you—it hurts your church—a system where everyone’s pretending, everyone’s performing, and no one’s thriving. It’s the elder board that demands perfection. It’s the congregation that expects you to be on call 24/7. It’s the culture that says, “Don’t be human, be holy.”

That’s why I created the Pastor Health Index™ (PHI). It’s not a test to pass or fail—it’s a mirror. It’s a chance to look at your emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational health and see where you’re hiding. The PHI asks questions like: How often do you feel you can be fully honest with your spouse? When was the last time you took a real day off? Do you feel connected to God, or are you just going through the motions?

Taking the PHI isn’t about shame. It’s about truth. And truth is the first step to freedom. When you know where you’re at, you can start the journey to where you want to be. I’ve seen pastors take the PHI and realize they’ve been running on empty for years. I’ve seen them cry—not out of despair, but relief. Because finally, they’re not hiding anymore.

AN INVITATION TO LIVE FREE

You don’t have to keep hiding. You don’t have to keep proving you’re worthy. You are enough—not because of what you do, but because of who you are. That’s the heart of everything I’ve poured my life into. It’s why I wake up every day and fight for pastors like you.

Start small. Take the Pastor Health Index™. It’s not a commitment to a program or a purchase—it’s a moment to be honest with yourself. Follow the link and spend ten minutes answering the questions. Let it be a mirror. Let it show you where you’re hiding and where you’re free.◼︎ 

Tim Eldred has spent over 35 years in pastoral ministry and coaches pastors and churches who are ready to move beyond merely surviving. He founded The Authentic Pastor to help ministry leaders find freedom from the pressures and systems that wear them down.